maybe i’ve always been a missing person…

Sometimes, i’ll be driving along the highway, and suddenly it’s all i can do to resist the urge to just give-in, to pull over and leap from my car, as i run madly and wildly plunge into the nearby jungle, as i thrash and hack my way deep into the forest, where i’d start to howl like a banshee- shriek like some mad siren, exhale at longlast all grief i’d kept clenched deep inside my battered heart- all that pain i’d swallowed & that rage, that pure inhuman fury i’d swallowed down and suffocated until all had laid silent and unnaturally still.

 but once breaking free & wild, once letting my heart’s levees break, those pent-up cries would continue without apology or civility, unabashedly and unabated as the forest gently bent, bowed, stretched and contracted, twisted arched and curled, unfurled, collapsed and expanded the boundaries of space that outlined the contours of my being’s shape- all without complaint, but with a simple understanding that the spaces necessary for a body and its soul are boundaries that shift and adherence to all earthly ebb and flow should be met with empathy. 

so adhering to the contours of my being’s constant shifting shape, the forest breathed-in my old hurt & exhaled a gentle wind as reminder of the innate goodness of earth; the kindness of life, the kind of good i used to know in childhood.

but by gently embracing my wild, bitter heart in its feathered dark wings, letting me wail like a truly mad and unlovable, disgusting thing that, inconceivably, these unknown arms held so tightly, it felt not like disgust, but like quite the opposite: it felt like love- love that was not merely real, but fiercely, unconditionally so. and this strange dark embrace would patiently keep holding me tight, keeping me safe beneath the forests’ glowing emerald canopy, and deeply hidden within its heaving entanglement of black feathered dazzle, until i’d begin too feel some longlost lightness returning; light that was both a weightlessness and a spark of brightness beginning again from the center of my chest, where a new emptiness felt like possibility, felt like hope, felt so impossibly light as though i’d sprouted wings overnight, and felt like the capacity to breathe again, to smile, to feel actual awe, as a sharp intake of breath makes a sound like an audible “gasp!” and to exhale with a gentle sound of contentment, as the sound of a sigh, an “ahhh…,” that would escape from deep within me, unbidden.  

and perhaps after all that, i’d find my way back through the forest, back to the highway, and i’d find my car, still sitting there halfway in a ditch, a trail of black skidmarks tattooed like a serpentine of tail-feathers leading to its perplexing crashsite, and i’d brush myself off, and suddenly shocked like a bullet back to reality as a tractor trailor barreled past me, i’d clutch my somewhat mended heart, before edging my way around to the driver’s side door, and findingbit still flung open, i’d settle back inside my car’s breathless interior, place my hands on the wheel, and stare dead-eyed off towards that flat, surreally saturated rose-toxic colored horizon, and i’d start my motor, and return dutifully once more to Civilization.

because we DO what we MUST, or so i’ve been told.

and this is one of those things people DO. i mean, i guess. (shrug).

on second thought, i’d never ever leave that forest. i’d turn my back on all you civilized people, and never ONCE look back. i’d be gone for good, never to be seen nor heard from

ever again. 

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